Funnies!
1 Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to
the end, the faster it goes.
2 I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned most
people die of natural causes.
3 I may be schizophrenic but at least I have each other.
4 I once considered a career in taxidermy until I figured
out I didn't have the 'right stuff.'
5 One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie
cost me $95.
6 He who lives in a glass house should change his clothes in
the basement.
7 Skydiving...good 'till the last drop.
8 He who throws mud loses ground.
9 He who sees only half the problem will be buried by the
other half.
10 I used to think middle age had to do with age, now I'm
finding out it has to do with my middle.
11 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which
one can die.
12 A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive
answers your wife will give you for free.
13 All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.
14 I went to a strange museum yesterday. They had all the
heads & arms from the statues in the other museums.
15 Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to
it.
16 Wisdom is only truly achieved when you realize you don't
know everything.
17 Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not
cheap.
18 When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and
shout.
19 Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even
get into my own pants.
20 When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I
just 'chunky dunk.'
21 I signed up for an exercise class & was told to wear
loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting
clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
22 Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be
able to tell the difference.
23 Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells
go, but FAT cells live forever.
24 I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out
of the way much faster now.
25 You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her
hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.
26 You know that tingly little feeling you get when you
really like someone you've just met? That's common sense
leaving your body.
27 I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the
word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
28 I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days
in a row.
29 I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and
renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to
the Jim this morning.
30 I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a
language entirely out of tattoos.
31 The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from
your house you can be in a robe...before you start looking
like a mental patient.
32 My therapist said my narcissism causes me to misread
social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
33 My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm
worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.
34 Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is
on us.' If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your
life sucks!
35 If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is
all I need...not all this, "How did you get into my house"
business!
36 The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today.
Pretty sure she's going to get me something.
37 I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has
an older women's clothing line named "Sag Harbor".
38 One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila. Floor.
39 Atheism Is a Non-Prophet Organization.
40 The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows
where all the bad girls live.
41 I went to a bookstore & asked the saleswoman, "Where's
the Self- Help Section?" She said if she told me, it would
defeat the purpose.
42 One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about
other people.
43 If you attempt to rob a bank, you won't have any trouble
with rent, food or bills for the next 10 years, whether or
not you are successful.
44 Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes
75-100 years to fully work.
45 Every time you clean something, you just make something
else dirty.
46 The word "swims" upside-down and backwards is still
"swims".
47 Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, and scissors
is just as hard as trying to win.
48 100 years ago everyone owned a horse & only the rich had
cars. Today everyone has cars & only the rich own horses.
49 Your future self is watching you right now through
memories.
50 The doctors who told Stephen Hawking he had two years to
live in 1953 probably died before he did.
51 If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When",
you get the answer to each of them.
52 Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.
53 If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer
holes in it than there were before.
54 If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's
Day" (It does fall on a Tuesday).
55 100 years ago a Twenty Dollar bill and a Twenty Dollar
gold piece were interchangeable. Either one would buy a new
suit, new shoes and a night on the town. The Twenty Dollar
gold piece will still do that.
56 On average, an American man will have sex two to three
times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one
or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I
had no idea I was Japanese.
57 Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in
touch.
58 The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet is because
nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard,
Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou,
Clara, and of course, Opie - all single. The only married
person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
59 Housework serves no purpose. It isn't what you do in a
house that shows, it's what you don't do that everyone
notices.
60 If your hatred for geometry is acute, don't be obtuse;
try looking at it from a different angle.
61 You can't fool all the people all the time but; if you
can do it once every 4 years, you'll have a promising career
in politics.
62 Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when
you have two, and paradise is when you have none.
63 The older generation thought nothing of getting up at
five every morning...and the younger generation doesn't
think much of it either.
64 If you're being run out of town, get in front of the
crowd and make it look like a parade.
65 An economist is a man who gets invited to speak at
banquets where he tells everybody there's no such thing as a
free lunch.
66 I'm convinced that no one "earns" a journalism degree.
Universities just hand them out to those who managed not to
get lost in the hallways.
67 A bank is a dignified institution that was established
for people to have a place to keep the government's money
until tax time.
68 Economists report a college education adds many thousands
of dollars to a man's lifetime income, which he then spends
sending his son to college.
69 The only place where employees would go on strike to make
LESS money is the U. S. Mint.
70 To err is human; but to really mess things up, requires a
computer.
71 Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
72 The attention span of a computer is as long as its
electrical cord.
73 Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
74 Forget the Joneses...I can't keep up with the SIMPSONS!
75 Folks who think they know it all bug those of us who do.
76 Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
77 Get the facts first - you can distort them later!
78 Get behind early so you have plenty of time to catch up.
79 A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
80 Forgiveness is like the fragrance a flower gives after
it's been stepped on.
81 Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!
82 Hard work spotlights the character of people; some turn
up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't
turn up at all!
83 A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two
watches is never sure.
84 Gotta run. Neighbors just sighted Elvis making crop
circles.
85 He said he was dying of fast women, slow horses, crooked
cards and straight whisky.
86 Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
87 Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small
donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a
glass of water.
88 If I had a dollar for every girl who found me
unattractive, many would eventually find me attractive.
89 I find it ironic the colors red, white, and blue stand
for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
90 When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their
body...men are so polite they only look at the covered
parts.
91 A recent study has found women who carry a little extra
weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
92 Relationships are like algebra. Have you ever looked at
your X and wondered Y?
93 My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
We'll see about that.
94 I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling
my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last
night.
95 Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up
and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
96 Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
97 You're not fat, you're just...easier to see.
98 If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try
missing a couple of payments.
99 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.
100 A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for
doing well.
101 He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
102 A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
103 Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
104 Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
105 Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
106 The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of
getting something right there's a 90% probability you'll get
it wrong.
107 It is said, if you line up all the cars in the world
end-to-end, someone from CA would try to pass them.
108 If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
109 The things that come to those who wait, may be the
things left by those who got there first.
110 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man
to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
111 Give a person a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a
person to use the Internet and he won't bother you for
weeks, months, years...
112 Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
113 God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in
the dark.
114 When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the
hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out
of jury duty.
115 I started out with nothing, and I still have most of
it.
116 Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the
hydrant.
117 I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use
a few of 'em.
118 Kids in the backseat cause accidents.
119 Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
120 It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been
anywhere.
121 The world only beats a path to your door when you're in
the bathroom.
122 When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone
wants to play checkers.
123 It's not hard to meet expenses...They're everywhere.
124 Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.
We haven't met yet!
125 Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot
change, the courage to change the things I can and the
friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
126 Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining
order is just a piece of paper!
127 Even duct tape can't fix stupid...but it can muffle the
sound!
128 Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert
advice!
129 The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I
text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".
130 Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you
realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
131 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
132 Life is sexually transmitted.
133 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they
can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make
him a sandwich.
134 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
the hospital, dying of nothing.
135 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays
no attention to criticism.
136 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it
normal.
137 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do
today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
138 Don't ignore this message. This is your only warning.
And here is my funny,
Why do witches ride broom sticks q
Bacuum cleaners are to heavy,
-----Original Message-----
From: Chat chat-bounces@list.ntxability.org On Behalf Of Carolyn
Sent: Tuesday, April 28, 2020 1:23 PM
To: 'General Topic - Social' chat@list.ntxability.org
Subject: [Chat] Funnies!
1 Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the
faster it goes.
2 I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned most people die of
natural causes.
3 I may be schizophrenic but at least I have each other.
4 I once considered a career in taxidermy until I figured out I didn't have
the 'right stuff.'
5 One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.
6 He who lives in a glass house should change his clothes in the basement.
7 Skydiving...good 'till the last drop.
8 He who throws mud loses ground.
9 He who sees only half the problem will be buried by the other half.
10 I used to think middle age had to do with age, now I'm finding out it has
to do with my middle.
11 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
12 A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers your wife
will give you for free.
13 All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.
14 I went to a strange museum yesterday. They had all the heads & arms from
the statues in the other museums.
15 Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.
16 Wisdom is only truly achieved when you realize you don't know everything.
17 Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
18 When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
19 Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own
pants.
20 When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky
dunk.'
21 I signed up for an exercise class & was told to wear loose fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in
the first place!
22 Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the
difference.
23 Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells
live forever.
24 I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much
faster now.
25 You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are
holding a gun, she's probably pissed.
26 You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone
you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
27 I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word
"premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
28 I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
29 I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
30 I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out
of tattoos.
31 The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you
can be in a robe...before you start looking like a mental patient.
32 My therapist said my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.
I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
33 My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about
the 175 pounds I've gained since then.
34 Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' If
you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!
35 If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need...not
all this, "How did you get into my house"
business!
36 The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today.
Pretty sure she's going to get me something.
37 I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's
clothing line named "Sag Harbor".
38 One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila. Floor.
39 Atheism Is a Non-Prophet Organization.
40 The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live.
41 I went to a bookstore & asked the saleswoman, "Where's the Self- Help
Section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
42 One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
43 If you attempt to rob a bank, you won't have any trouble with rent, food
or bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.
44 Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes
75-100 years to fully work.
45 Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
46 The word "swims" upside-down and backwards is still "swims".
47 Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, and scissors is just as hard
as trying to win.
48 100 years ago everyone owned a horse & only the rich had cars. Today
everyone has cars & only the rich own horses.
49 Your future self is watching you right now through memories.
50 The doctors who told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953
probably died before he did.
51 If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer
to each of them.
52 Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.
53 If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than
there were before.
54 If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day" (It does fall
on a Tuesday).
55 100 years ago a Twenty Dollar bill and a Twenty Dollar gold piece were
interchangeable. Either one would buy a new suit, new shoes and a night on
the town. The Twenty Dollar gold piece will still do that.
56 On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week.
Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is
very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.
57 Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch.
58 The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet is because nobody was
married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest
T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and of course, Opie - all single. The
only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
59 Housework serves no purpose. It isn't what you do in a house that shows,
it's what you don't do that everyone notices.
60 If your hatred for geometry is acute, don't be obtuse; try looking at it
from a different angle.
61 You can't fool all the people all the time but; if you can do it once
every 4 years, you'll have a promising career in politics.
62 Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, and
paradise is when you have none.
63 The older generation thought nothing of getting up at five every
morning...and the younger generation doesn't think much of it either.
64 If you're being run out of town, get in front of the crowd and make it
look like a parade.
65 An economist is a man who gets invited to speak at banquets where he
tells everybody there's no such thing as a free lunch.
66 I'm convinced that no one "earns" a journalism degree.
Universities just hand them out to those who managed not to get lost in the
hallways.
67 A bank is a dignified institution that was established for people to have
a place to keep the government's money until tax time.
68 Economists report a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a
man's lifetime income, which he then spends sending his son to college.
69 The only place where employees would go on strike to make LESS money is
the U. S. Mint.
70 To err is human; but to really mess things up, requires a computer.
71 Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
72 The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
73 Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
74 Forget the Joneses...I can't keep up with the SIMPSONS!
75 Folks who think they know it all bug those of us who do.
76 Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
77 Get the facts first - you can distort them later!
78 Get behind early so you have plenty of time to catch up.
79 A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
80 Forgiveness is like the fragrance a flower gives after it's been stepped
on.
81 Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!
82 Hard work spotlights the character of people; some turn up their sleeves,
some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all!
83 A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never
sure.
84 Gotta run. Neighbors just sighted Elvis making crop circles.
85 He said he was dying of fast women, slow horses, crooked cards and
straight whisky.
86 Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
87 Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the
local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
88 If I had a dollar for every girl who found me unattractive, many would
eventually find me attractive.
89 I find it ironic the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until
they are flashing behind you.
90 When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body...men are so polite
they only look at the covered parts.
91 A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight, live
longer than the men who mention it.
92 Relationships are like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and
wondered Y?
93 My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
We'll see about that.
94 I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her
computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
95 Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on
the ground for maximum damage.
96 Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
97 You're not fat, you're just...easier to see.
98 If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of
payments.
99 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
100 A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
101 He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
102 A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
103 Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
104 Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
105 Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
106 The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
107 It is said, if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone
from CA would try to pass them.
108 If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
109 The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those
who got there first.
110 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he
will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
111 Give a person a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a person to use
the Internet and he won't bother you for weeks, months, years...
112 Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
113 God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
114 When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
115 I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
116 Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.
117 I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of 'em.
118 Kids in the backseat cause accidents.
119 Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
120 It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
121 The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
122 When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play
checkers.
123 It's not hard to meet expenses...They're everywhere.
124 Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.
We haven't met yet!
125 Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can and the friends to post my bail when I
finally snap!
126 Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a
piece of paper!
127 Even duct tape can't fix stupid...but it can muffle the sound!
128 Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice!
129 The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no"
which is shorter than "yes".
130 Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't
fallen asleep yet.
131 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
132 Life is sexually transmitted.
133 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them
apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
134 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital,
dying of nothing.
135 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.
136 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
137 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a
burning issue tomorrow.
138 Don't ignore this message. This is your only warning.
Chat mailing list
Chat@list.ntxability.org
http://list.ntxability.org/mailman/listinfo/chat_list.ntxability.org
Good one, Don!
-----Original Message-----
From: Chat [mailto:chat-bounces@list.ntxability.org] On
Behalf Of dondpetty@gmail.com
Sent: Tuesday, April 28, 2020 4:57 PM
To: 'General Topic - Social' chat@list.ntxability.org
Subject: Re: [Chat] Funnies!
And here is my funny,
Why do witches ride broom sticks q
Bacuum cleaners are to heavy,
-----Original Message-----
From: Chat chat-bounces@list.ntxability.org On Behalf Of
Carolyn
Sent: Tuesday, April 28, 2020 1:23 PM
To: 'General Topic - Social' chat@list.ntxability.org
Subject: [Chat] Funnies!
1 Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to
the end, the faster it goes.
2 I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned most
people die of natural causes.
3 I may be schizophrenic but at least I have each other.
4 I once considered a career in taxidermy until I figured
out I didn't have the 'right stuff.'
5 One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie
cost me $95.
6 He who lives in a glass house should change his clothes in
the basement.
7 Skydiving...good 'till the last drop.
8 He who throws mud loses ground.
9 He who sees only half the problem will be buried by the
other half.
10 I used to think middle age had to do with age, now I'm
finding out it has to do with my middle.
11 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which
one can die.
12 A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive
answers your wife will give you for free.
13 All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.
14 I went to a strange museum yesterday. They had all the
heads & arms from the statues in the other museums.
15 Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to
it.
16 Wisdom is only truly achieved when you realize you don't
know everything.
17 Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not
cheap.
18 When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and
shout.
19 Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even
get into my own pants.
20 When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I
just 'chunky dunk.'
21 I signed up for an exercise class & was told to wear
loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting
clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
22 Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be
able to tell the difference.
23 Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells
go, but FAT cells live forever.
24 I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out
of the way much faster now.
25 You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her
hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.
26 You know that tingly little feeling you get when you
really like someone you've just met? That's common sense
leaving your body.
27 I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the
word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
28 I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days
in a row.
29 I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and
renamed it the Jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
30 I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a
language entirely out of tattoos.
31 The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from
your house you can be in a robe...before you start looking
like a mental patient.
32 My therapist said my narcissism causes me to misread
social situations.
I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
33 My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm
worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.
34 Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is
on us.' If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your
life sucks!
35 If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is
all I need...not all this, "How did you get into my house"
business!
36 The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today.
Pretty sure she's going to get me something.
37 I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has
an older women's clothing line named "Sag Harbor".
38 One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila. Floor.
39 Atheism Is a Non-Prophet Organization.
40 The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows
where all the bad girls live.
41 I went to a bookstore & asked the saleswoman, "Where's
the Self- Help Section?" She said if she told me, it would
defeat the purpose.
42 One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about
other people.
43 If you attempt to rob a bank, you won't have any trouble
with rent, food or bills for the next 10 years, whether or
not you are successful.
44 Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes
75-100 years to fully work.
45 Every time you clean something, you just make something
else dirty.
46 The word "swims" upside-down and backwards is still
"swims".
47 Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, and scissors
is just as hard as trying to win.
48 100 years ago everyone owned a horse & only the rich had
cars. Today everyone has cars & only the rich own horses.
49 Your future self is watching you right now through
memories.
50 The doctors who told Stephen Hawking he had two years to
live in 1953 probably died before he did.
51 If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When",
you get the answer to each of them.
52 Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.
53 If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer
holes in it than there were before.
54 If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's
Day" (It does fall on a Tuesday).
55 100 years ago a Twenty Dollar bill and a Twenty Dollar
gold piece were interchangeable. Either one would buy a new
suit, new shoes and a night on the town. The Twenty Dollar
gold piece will still do that.
56 On average, an American man will have sex two to three
times a week.
Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times
a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I
was Japanese.
57 Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in
touch.
58 The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet is because
nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard,
Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou,
Clara, and of course, Opie - all single. The only married
person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
59 Housework serves no purpose. It isn't what you do in a
house that shows, it's what you don't do that everyone
notices.
60 If your hatred for geometry is acute, don't be obtuse;
try looking at it from a different angle.
61 You can't fool all the people all the time but; if you
can do it once every 4 years, you'll have a promising career
in politics.
62 Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when
you have two, and paradise is when you have none.
63 The older generation thought nothing of getting up at
five every morning...and the younger generation doesn't
think much of it either.
64 If you're being run out of town, get in front of the
crowd and make it look like a parade.
65 An economist is a man who gets invited to speak at
banquets where he tells everybody there's no such thing as a
free lunch.
66 I'm convinced that no one "earns" a journalism degree.
Universities just hand them out to those who managed not to
get lost in the hallways.
67 A bank is a dignified institution that was established
for people to have a place to keep the government's money
until tax time.
68 Economists report a college education adds many thousands
of dollars to a man's lifetime income, which he then spends
sending his son to college.
69 The only place where employees would go on strike to make
LESS money is the U. S. Mint.
70 To err is human; but to really mess things up, requires a
computer.
71 Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
72 The attention span of a computer is as long as its
electrical cord.
73 Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
74 Forget the Joneses...I can't keep up with the SIMPSONS!
75 Folks who think they know it all bug those of us who do.
76 Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
77 Get the facts first - you can distort them later!
78 Get behind early so you have plenty of time to catch up.
79 A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
80 Forgiveness is like the fragrance a flower gives after
it's been stepped on.
81 Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!
82 Hard work spotlights the character of people; some turn
up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't
turn up at all!
83 A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two
watches is never sure.
84 Gotta run. Neighbors just sighted Elvis making crop
circles.
85 He said he was dying of fast women, slow horses, crooked
cards and straight whisky.
86 Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
87 Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small
donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a
glass of water.
88 If I had a dollar for every girl who found me
unattractive, many would eventually find me attractive.
89 I find it ironic the colors red, white, and blue stand
for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
90 When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their
body...men are so polite they only look at the covered
parts.
91 A recent study has found women who carry a little extra
weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
92 Relationships are like algebra. Have you ever looked at
your X and wondered Y?
93 My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
We'll see about that.
94 I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling
my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last
night.
95 Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up
and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
96 Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
97 You're not fat, you're just...easier to see.
98 If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try
missing a couple of payments.
99 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.
100 A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for
doing well.
101 He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
102 A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
103 Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
104 Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
105 Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
106 The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of
getting something right there's a 90% probability you'll get
it wrong.
107 It is said, if you line up all the cars in the world
end-to-end, someone from CA would try to pass them.
108 If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
109 The things that come to those who wait, may be the
things left by those who got there first.
110 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man
to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
111 Give a person a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a
person to use the Internet and he won't bother you for
weeks, months, years...
112 Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
113 God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in
the dark.
114 When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the
hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out
of jury duty.
115 I started out with nothing, and I still have most of
it.
116 Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the
hydrant.
117 I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use
a few of 'em.
118 Kids in the backseat cause accidents.
119 Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
120 It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been
anywhere.
121 The world only beats a path to your door when you're in
the bathroom.
122 When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone
wants to play checkers.
123 It's not hard to meet expenses...They're everywhere.
124 Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.
We haven't met yet!
125 Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot
change, the courage to change the things I can and the
friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
126 Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining
order is just a piece of paper!
127 Even duct tape can't fix stupid...but it can muffle the
sound!
128 Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert
advice!
129 The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I
text back "no"
which is shorter than "yes".
130 Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you
realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
131 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
132 Life is sexually transmitted.
133 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they
can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make
him a sandwich.
134 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
the hospital, dying of nothing.
135 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays
no attention to criticism.
136 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it
normal.
137 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do
today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
138 Don't ignore this message. This is your only warning.
Chat mailing list
Chat@list.ntxability.org
http://list.ntxability.org/mailman/listinfo/chat_list.ntxabi
lity.org
Chat mailing list
Chat@list.ntxability.org
http://list.ntxability.org/mailman/listinfo/chat_list.ntxabi
lity.org
I really like those! Love emma
On 28 Apr 2020, at 19:23, Carolyn 4carolyna@windstream.net wrote:
1 Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to
the end, the faster it goes.
2 I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned most
people die of natural causes.
3 I may be schizophrenic but at least I have each other.
4 I once considered a career in taxidermy until I figured
out I didn't have the 'right stuff.'
5 One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie
cost me $95.
6 He who lives in a glass house should change his clothes in
the basement.
7 Skydiving...good 'till the last drop.
8 He who throws mud loses ground.
9 He who sees only half the problem will be buried by the
other half.
10 I used to think middle age had to do with age, now I'm
finding out it has to do with my middle.
11 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which
one can die.
12 A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive
answers your wife will give you for free.
13 All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.
14 I went to a strange museum yesterday. They had all the
heads & arms from the statues in the other museums.
15 Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to
it.
16 Wisdom is only truly achieved when you realize you don't
know everything.
17 Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not
cheap.
18 When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and
shout.
19 Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even
get into my own pants.
20 When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I
just 'chunky dunk.'
21 I signed up for an exercise class & was told to wear
loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting
clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
22 Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be
able to tell the difference.
23 Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells
go, but FAT cells live forever.
24 I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out
of the way much faster now.
25 You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her
hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.
26 You know that tingly little feeling you get when you
really like someone you've just met? That's common sense
leaving your body.
27 I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the
word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
28 I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days
in a row.
29 I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and
renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to
the Jim this morning.
30 I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a
language entirely out of tattoos.
31 The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from
your house you can be in a robe...before you start looking
like a mental patient.
32 My therapist said my narcissism causes me to misread
social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
33 My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm
worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.
34 Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is
on us.' If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your
life sucks!
35 If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is
all I need...not all this, "How did you get into my house"
business!
36 The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today.
Pretty sure she's going to get me something.
37 I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has
an older women's clothing line named "Sag Harbor".
38 One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila. Floor.
39 Atheism Is a Non-Prophet Organization.
40 The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows
where all the bad girls live.
41 I went to a bookstore & asked the saleswoman, "Where's
the Self- Help Section?" She said if she told me, it would
defeat the purpose.
42 One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about
other people.
43 If you attempt to rob a bank, you won't have any trouble
with rent, food or bills for the next 10 years, whether or
not you are successful.
44 Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes
75-100 years to fully work.
45 Every time you clean something, you just make something
else dirty.
46 The word "swims" upside-down and backwards is still
"swims".
47 Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, and scissors
is just as hard as trying to win.
48 100 years ago everyone owned a horse & only the rich had
cars. Today everyone has cars & only the rich own horses.
49 Your future self is watching you right now through
memories.
50 The doctors who told Stephen Hawking he had two years to
live in 1953 probably died before he did.
51 If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When",
you get the answer to each of them.
52 Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.
53 If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer
holes in it than there were before.
54 If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's
Day" (It does fall on a Tuesday).
55 100 years ago a Twenty Dollar bill and a Twenty Dollar
gold piece were interchangeable. Either one would buy a new
suit, new shoes and a night on the town. The Twenty Dollar
gold piece will still do that.
56 On average, an American man will have sex two to three
times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one
or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I
had no idea I was Japanese.
57 Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in
touch.
58 The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet is because
nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard,
Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou,
Clara, and of course, Opie - all single. The only married
person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
59 Housework serves no purpose. It isn't what you do in a
house that shows, it's what you don't do that everyone
notices.
60 If your hatred for geometry is acute, don't be obtuse;
try looking at it from a different angle.
61 You can't fool all the people all the time but; if you
can do it once every 4 years, you'll have a promising career
in politics.
62 Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when
you have two, and paradise is when you have none.
63 The older generation thought nothing of getting up at
five every morning...and the younger generation doesn't
think much of it either.
64 If you're being run out of town, get in front of the
crowd and make it look like a parade.
65 An economist is a man who gets invited to speak at
banquets where he tells everybody there's no such thing as a
free lunch.
66 I'm convinced that no one "earns" a journalism degree.
Universities just hand them out to those who managed not to
get lost in the hallways.
67 A bank is a dignified institution that was established
for people to have a place to keep the government's money
until tax time.
68 Economists report a college education adds many thousands
of dollars to a man's lifetime income, which he then spends
sending his son to college.
69 The only place where employees would go on strike to make
LESS money is the U. S. Mint.
70 To err is human; but to really mess things up, requires a
computer.
71 Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
72 The attention span of a computer is as long as its
electrical cord.
73 Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
74 Forget the Joneses...I can't keep up with the SIMPSONS!
75 Folks who think they know it all bug those of us who do.
76 Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
77 Get the facts first - you can distort them later!
78 Get behind early so you have plenty of time to catch up.
79 A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
80 Forgiveness is like the fragrance a flower gives after
it's been stepped on.
81 Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!
82 Hard work spotlights the character of people; some turn
up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't
turn up at all!
83 A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two
watches is never sure.
84 Gotta run. Neighbors just sighted Elvis making crop
circles.
85 He said he was dying of fast women, slow horses, crooked
cards and straight whisky.
86 Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
87 Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small
donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a
glass of water.
88 If I had a dollar for every girl who found me
unattractive, many would eventually find me attractive.
89 I find it ironic the colors red, white, and blue stand
for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
90 When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their
body...men are so polite they only look at the covered
parts.
91 A recent study has found women who carry a little extra
weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
92 Relationships are like algebra. Have you ever looked at
your X and wondered Y?
93 My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
We'll see about that.
94 I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling
my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last
night.
95 Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up
and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
96 Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
97 You're not fat, you're just...easier to see.
98 If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try
missing a couple of payments.
99 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.
100 A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for
doing well.
101 He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
102 A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
103 Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
104 Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
105 Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
106 The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of
getting something right there's a 90% probability you'll get
it wrong.
107 It is said, if you line up all the cars in the world
end-to-end, someone from CA would try to pass them.
108 If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
109 The things that come to those who wait, may be the
things left by those who got there first.
110 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man
to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
111 Give a person a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a
person to use the Internet and he won't bother you for
weeks, months, years...
112 Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
113 God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in
the dark.
114 When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the
hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out
of jury duty.
115 I started out with nothing, and I still have most of
it.
116 Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the
hydrant.
117 I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use
a few of 'em.
118 Kids in the backseat cause accidents.
119 Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
120 It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been
anywhere.
121 The world only beats a path to your door when you're in
the bathroom.
122 When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone
wants to play checkers.
123 It's not hard to meet expenses...They're everywhere.
124 Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.
We haven't met yet!
125 Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot
change, the courage to change the things I can and the
friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
126 Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining
order is just a piece of paper!
127 Even duct tape can't fix stupid...but it can muffle the
sound!
128 Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert
advice!
129 The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I
text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".
130 Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you
realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
131 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
132 Life is sexually transmitted.
133 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they
can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make
him a sandwich.
134 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
the hospital, dying of nothing.
135 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays
no attention to criticism.
136 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it
normal.
137 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do
today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
138 Don't ignore this message. This is your only warning.
Chat mailing list
Chat@list.ntxability.org
http://list.ntxability.org/mailman/listinfo/chat_list.ntxability.org
these are good!
thanks for the laugh
On 28/04/2020 19:23, Carolyn wrote:
1 Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to
the end, the faster it goes.
2 I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned most
people die of natural causes.
3 I may be schizophrenic but at least I have each other.
4 I once considered a career in taxidermy until I figured
out I didn't have the 'right stuff.'
5 One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie
cost me $95.
6 He who lives in a glass house should change his clothes in
the basement.
7 Skydiving...good 'till the last drop.
8 He who throws mud loses ground.
9 He who sees only half the problem will be buried by the
other half.
10 I used to think middle age had to do with age, now I'm
finding out it has to do with my middle.
11 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which
one can die.
12 A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive
answers your wife will give you for free.
13 All power corrupts, but we need the electricity.
14 I went to a strange museum yesterday. They had all the
heads & arms from the statues in the other museums.
15 Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to
it.
16 Wisdom is only truly achieved when you realize you don't
know everything.
17 Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not
cheap.
18 When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and
shout.
19 Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even
get into my own pants.
20 When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I
just 'chunky dunk.'
21 I signed up for an exercise class & was told to wear
loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting
clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
22 Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be
able to tell the difference.
23 Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells
go, but FAT cells live forever.
24 I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out
of the way much faster now.
25 You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her
hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.
26 You know that tingly little feeling you get when you
really like someone you've just met? That's common sense
leaving your body.
27 I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the
word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
28 I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days
in a row.
29 I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and
renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to
the Jim this morning.
30 I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a
language entirely out of tattoos.
31 The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from
your house you can be in a robe...before you start looking
like a mental patient.
32 My therapist said my narcissism causes me to misread
social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
33 My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm
worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.
34 Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is
on us.' If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your
life sucks!
35 If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is
all I need...not all this, "How did you get into my house"
business!
36 The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today.
Pretty sure she's going to get me something.
37 I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has
an older women's clothing line named "Sag Harbor".
38 One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila. Floor.
39 Atheism Is a Non-Prophet Organization.
40 The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows
where all the bad girls live.
41 I went to a bookstore & asked the saleswoman, "Where's
the Self- Help Section?" She said if she told me, it would
defeat the purpose.
42 One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about
other people.
43 If you attempt to rob a bank, you won't have any trouble
with rent, food or bills for the next 10 years, whether or
not you are successful.
44 Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes
75-100 years to fully work.
45 Every time you clean something, you just make something
else dirty.
46 The word "swims" upside-down and backwards is still
"swims".
47 Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, and scissors
is just as hard as trying to win.
48 100 years ago everyone owned a horse & only the rich had
cars. Today everyone has cars & only the rich own horses.
49 Your future self is watching you right now through
memories.
50 The doctors who told Stephen Hawking he had two years to
live in 1953 probably died before he did.
51 If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When",
you get the answer to each of them.
52 Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.
53 If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer
holes in it than there were before.
54 If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's
Day" (It does fall on a Tuesday).
55 100 years ago a Twenty Dollar bill and a Twenty Dollar
gold piece were interchangeable. Either one would buy a new
suit, new shoes and a night on the town. The Twenty Dollar
gold piece will still do that.
56 On average, an American man will have sex two to three
times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one
or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I
had no idea I was Japanese.
57 Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in
touch.
58 The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet is because
nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard,
Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou,
Clara, and of course, Opie - all single. The only married
person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
59 Housework serves no purpose. It isn't what you do in a
house that shows, it's what you don't do that everyone
notices.
60 If your hatred for geometry is acute, don't be obtuse;
try looking at it from a different angle.
61 You can't fool all the people all the time but; if you
can do it once every 4 years, you'll have a promising career
in politics.
62 Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when
you have two, and paradise is when you have none.
63 The older generation thought nothing of getting up at
five every morning...and the younger generation doesn't
think much of it either.
64 If you're being run out of town, get in front of the
crowd and make it look like a parade.
65 An economist is a man who gets invited to speak at
banquets where he tells everybody there's no such thing as a
free lunch.
66 I'm convinced that no one "earns" a journalism degree.
Universities just hand them out to those who managed not to
get lost in the hallways.
67 A bank is a dignified institution that was established
for people to have a place to keep the government's money
until tax time.
68 Economists report a college education adds many thousands
of dollars to a man's lifetime income, which he then spends
sending his son to college.
69 The only place where employees would go on strike to make
LESS money is the U. S. Mint.
70 To err is human; but to really mess things up, requires a
computer.
71 Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
72 The attention span of a computer is as long as its
electrical cord.
73 Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
74 Forget the Joneses...I can't keep up with the SIMPSONS!
75 Folks who think they know it all bug those of us who do.
76 Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
77 Get the facts first - you can distort them later!
78 Get behind early so you have plenty of time to catch up.
79 A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
80 Forgiveness is like the fragrance a flower gives after
it's been stepped on.
81 Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!
82 Hard work spotlights the character of people; some turn
up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't
turn up at all!
83 A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two
watches is never sure.
84 Gotta run. Neighbors just sighted Elvis making crop
circles.
85 He said he was dying of fast women, slow horses, crooked
cards and straight whisky.
86 Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
87 Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small
donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a
glass of water.
88 If I had a dollar for every girl who found me
unattractive, many would eventually find me attractive.
89 I find it ironic the colors red, white, and blue stand
for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
90 When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their
body...men are so polite they only look at the covered
parts.
91 A recent study has found women who carry a little extra
weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
92 Relationships are like algebra. Have you ever looked at
your X and wondered Y?
93 My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
We'll see about that.
94 I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling
my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last
night.
95 Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up
and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.
96 Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
97 You're not fat, you're just...easier to see.
98 If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try
missing a couple of payments.
99 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.
100 A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for
doing well.
101 He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
102 A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
103 Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
104 Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
105 Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
106 The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of
getting something right there's a 90% probability you'll get
it wrong.
107 It is said, if you line up all the cars in the world
end-to-end, someone from CA would try to pass them.
108 If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
109 The things that come to those who wait, may be the
things left by those who got there first.
110 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man
to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
111 Give a person a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a
person to use the Internet and he won't bother you for
weeks, months, years...
112 Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
113 God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in
the dark.
114 When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the
hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out
of jury duty.
115 I started out with nothing, and I still have most of
it.
116 Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the
hydrant.
117 I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use
a few of 'em.
118 Kids in the backseat cause accidents.
119 Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
120 It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been
anywhere.
121 The world only beats a path to your door when you're in
the bathroom.
122 When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone
wants to play checkers.
123 It's not hard to meet expenses...They're everywhere.
124 Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.
We haven't met yet!
125 Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot
change, the courage to change the things I can and the
friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
126 Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining
order is just a piece of paper!
127 Even duct tape can't fix stupid...but it can muffle the
sound!
128 Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert
advice!
129 The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I
text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".
130 Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you
realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
131 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
132 Life is sexually transmitted.
133 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they
can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make
him a sandwich.
134 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
the hospital, dying of nothing.
135 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays
no attention to criticism.
136 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it
normal.
137 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do
today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
138 Don't ignore this message. This is your only warning.
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